I think I said in my first post that there might come a time when you click on my page, and poof! I’m gone.
That day is coming soon.
The experiences I’m having now are very painful, personal, and private. I don’t have it in me to pour out my heart and soul just to be subject to harassment. (You know who you are.)
It’s been real.
I took my “Healthcare Provider Certified CPR” class last night. This morning was my final interview for the Phlebotomy Training Program through a local hospital and healthcare system. So if you happen to drop dead and have an AED when you’re around me, consider yourself saved.
If I get in (I’ll know by early next week… keep your fingers crossed!) classes will start on June 9th. It’s a 6-week program with an 18-month externship at hospitals and clinics all over the Salt Lake Valley. I was one of 15 people called back for an interview, and they’re accepting 8 students. I figure those odds are pretty good! Several of the hospitals provide on-site daycare and discounts at local centers, as well as $2000/year tuition reimbursement.
I’m excited about the prospect of starting school, but at the same time, it’s really hard. It feels like I’m taking a huge step away from any hope of returning home to Brent. As the days and weeks go by, it’s getting harder and harder to believe that there’s any chance of repairing our relationship. I guess that’s reality though.
I’m going to Washington May 30-June 6 to visit Brody and take care of some legal stuff. (That’s the technical term… “stuff.”) I’ll be bringing him back to Utah with me, and hopefully he’ll be able to stay until after my brother’s wedding on July 19th. It’s up to Brent though, it’s his decision.
Today, while I was wandering around the Hallmark store looking for a “Congrats, you’re pregnant… again!” card for my younger sister (she’s pregnant! with #3! baby #2 just turned one in March! surprise!) a kid who looked to be about 10 or 12 came up to me and told me I look like his mother.
Uh, I’m only 29. I guess technically I could be his mother, but DAMN! I don’t think I look that old. I guess I’m just one step away from shopping at Christopher & Banks (no offense, Mom.)
I did get to talk to Brody and visit with him via webcam on Sunday. Brent said they sent me a present, but it hasn’t arrived yet. I’ll believe it when it’s in my big, greedy man-hands.
Did I tell you Brent’s mom has pancreatic cancer? Yeah. I don’t know what stage she is, but she had to have part of her pancreas, liver, stomach and entire gallbladder removed. (I believe it’s called a Whipple Procedure?) Go Google “pancreatic cancer survival statistics”. I’ll wait. Not good, huh? She’s supposed to be undergoing chemotherapy but hasn’t been able to as regularly as they hoped because her blood count has been too low.
Stay tuned.
Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. I am not looking forward to it. Brent didn’t even have Brody send me a card or anything. I’m not surprised, but it still hurts.
It was on Mother’s Day 2004 that we conceived Brody. It’s hard to believe it’s been four years. I never in a million years could have imagined that in such a short time it would all be over. I would give anything to go back.
I want to just go to sleep tonight and not wake up until Monday.
Happy Mother’s Day to all my family and friends- squeeze your babies extra tight tomorrow.
I took a big step in moving forward in the divorce by firing my attorney today. Yes, that’s sounds backwards, but I was getting zero help from him and paying him $300/hour to do it. It was taking him over 10 days to respond to e-mails and he would not return my calls. Actually, I only talked to him once, the rest of the time it was all through his paralegal.
Buh-bye!
I’ve retained a new attorney who I have MUCH more confidence in, and who already answers my calls and responds to my e-mails, and he hasn’t even been paid yet! (Plus, as an added little bonus, he’s also Mormon and graduated from BYU.)
Brent and I had a long talk last night. I don’t know whether I said anything that matters to him or not, but I said what I needed to say, and I feel so much better today. In the end, if this doesn’t work out, at least Brody will know that I fought long and hard to keep our little family together. In the end, that’s what matters most. I only want what’s best for him.
Well, I’m still alive and breathing.
Only 5 more weeks until I see Brody again! I’m going up to Washington the week of June 6th. I’ll have him for at least 2 weeks, and I’m really looking forward to it! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll have him until after my brother’s wedding (July 19th) but I’m trying to not get my hopes up. Brent is reluctant to let me have him that long. If he doesn’t let me keep him, it’s going to cost over $1200 to send him back in late June and then fly him back in July. Ugh. Getting divorced is so damn expensive.
As far as the divorce goes, things are still moving along. Today I finished the last of my paperwork and will send it tomorrow. Then it’s just a waiting game, I guess. I’m so in denial about the whole thing. I just can’t believe that Brent is really going to do this. I should be working on accepting it and moving on with my life, but I just can’t do it. It all seems so unreal. He’s done some frustrating things the last few weeks that are making it easier though!
I didn’t realize it had been so long since I last updated.
So here’s the skinny: I’m having a really hard time since Brody left. Today I went to Walgreen’s to pick up the pictures I’d ordered, and I made the mistake of opening them in the store. Bad idea. I just about came undone in the checkout line. Luckily I was easily distracted by a box of Lindor truffles.
Which leads to other depressing news… I’ve gained back almost all of the weight I lost. Ugh. That’s 17 lbs. that took me a good part of 2.5 months to lose. Somehow, I’ve gained it all back in 3 weeks. How is that possible?? (I guess the pints of Ben & Jerry’s Creme Brulee ice cream might have contributed to the problem…)
Le Divorce is moving forward, no changes there.
I somehow ended up with a sinus and ear infection this week, and have pretty much felt like total pooh since Sunday.
More another time- I’m going to needlessly torture myself by putting Brody’s pictures in a little album.
If there’s anything worse than waking up to “Daytime Friends & Nighttime Lovers” by Kenny Rogers stuck in your head, I don’t want to know what it is.
Today marks five days since Brody left, and last night it finally hit me, hard. Like, crying until I threw up hard.
I have a lot going on, but not much I can talk about here.
My grandma had heart surgery yesterday and spent the night in ICU. She’s coming home today, and I’ll be staying here indefinitely to help take care of her. It’s actually been really good for me to be here, to tell you the truth. I stay busy, I’m never alone (not always a good thing… ha ha ha) and when I do get lonely, all I have to do is come upstairs and there are two people who seem to adore me.
I start school next month. I’m looking forward to it. I’m taking a course to become a CNA, and after I finish, I’ll start working. I’ll also being going to school, too. The RN program is 12 months.
I guess I don’t have as much to say as I thought, so I’ll finish with a cute Brody story. We went to WalMart one of the days he was here, and he didn’t want to ride in the cart. I told him that was fine, but he had to stay by me. True to form, within five minutes he was trying to wander off and wanted me to carry all 37 pounds of him. I told him no, and he kept asking why. Finally I said, “Because I said so, and I’m the mom!” He replied, “You’re not the mom, you’re a peanut. And I’m a SCHOOL BUS!” It was so random, but funny. So now he wants to be called School Bus instead of Peanut (his usual nickname.)
Brody has been here since Saturday night, and we’re having such a good time. We’ve gone shopping, bowling, out to eat, to Wheeler Farm, and lots of snuggling.
He leaves on Friday afternoon, but I’m refusing to think about that right now! We’re having too much fun. He’s grown up so much in the last two months. He’s quite the talkative little guy, and likes to answer by saying, “Okay, sounds good” or “No, but thanks.”
I guess it was unrealistic to hope that he was too young to understand what’s going on between Brent and I, because he obviously does. He talks about going to Daddy’s house, he asks when I’m coming home, and he is clearly confused as to why we’re not together as a family. I put a call in to my therapist to ask her the best way to talk to him about it. Hopefully I’ll be able to explain it in a way that he’ll understand. It would certainly be nice to say, “Oh, I’m coming home with you, everything’s fine.” He absolutely refuses to let me out of his sight. On Sunday morning when I came out of the bathroom, he came running up to me, hugged me, and said, “Oh good Mama, you came back.” Ouch.
